Scene IX: Interlude II, The Djinn’s Free for All
The 2nd Week of the 10th Moon, 22 A.V
Neferaten
Now, Dear Reader, this interlude may seem a little repetitive in depicting the very real course of events that occurred prior to, and in many ways caused, the War Before the Dusk and ultimately led to Nicolas causing a lot of Nicolas’s own problems. Repetitive, but necessary. Some events you may remember from The Overture, and others from the previous Interlude, but all great asylums need to build on strong foundations.
Nicolas did not cause his problems alone but with the help of the Djinn Ibliss who granted a series of repetitive wishes in a very short space of time, causing absolute chaos, and of course, our hero Nicolas was in the thick of it.
You see, Ibliss decided to twist a number of wishes in such a way that they all converged, without giving any thought to me, your long-suffering narrator, but, as you shall see, this is what happens when the dick makes the wish instead of the brain.
Primus was also partially responsible for the debacle after making two rather cataclysmic mistakes. Primus’s first mistake had been to spell cast in order to grant Nicolas one body that split into two-hundred and sixteen bodies.
At first, he did not consider this a mistake, but a safeguard to prevent Lilith granting the dipshit Theaten total power. Owuo and Kufia had warned Primus for years that Lilith had not taken kindly to the birth of ‘The Bastard,’ her affectionate name for Nicolas, and that she was in league, and in love with the sorceress Kyrie who intended to cast Primus into The Void.
This did not worry Primus as he considered this potential venture a holiday from Lilith’s constant nagging, gossiping and embarrassing fussing of Theaten. In private it was one thing, but licking her handkerchief and wiping Theaten’s mouth at public ceremonies was quite another.
Primus sort of liked Nicolas, which was most unusual. He ensured that Nicolas was trained in Irkalla under the great administrator Baal. Baal was the sort of demon who got things done. He kept all paperwork filed, ensured the ledger was filled and updated daily, provided rotas for the minions, and could legally and sharply counter any loophole that popped up in Thesapien-Irkallan contracts.
He would even double-down on errant parties who tried to worm their way out of contracts and exhibit the pursuant’s punishment to set an example. Baal did not suffer fools gladly. He favoured placing such manipulative souls in Judicara where they would spend at least three centuries carrying out accounting tasks around the clock. Most begged to be flayed after the first fifty years instead, but their petitions were denied, and there they remained in Judicara nice and miserable. Baal called this ‘effective delegation.’
Primus took Nicolas to Irkalla at the age of twelve after rudely stealing Nicolas from the baers. Boaca Baer, having gotten used to the affordances of having one thousand seven hundred and twenty eight extra hands in the camp, did not take well to Nicolas’s unexpected removal. Nonetheless, after a bit of a squabble that ended up with Boaca Baer carelessly removing her own brains with a piece of flint, and her head escaping her body, Primus found the baers open to the removal of the Nicolai to Irkalla and there began a long and awkward education.
It was Baal who taught Nicolas to design and train each Nicolai, and mould them into a unique personality, and it was Baal who taught Nicolas a range of dark magick.
Nicolas was so grateful to Baal that he designed Archie first from one of his good selves. Nicolas then dumped the workload of moulding the Nicolai’s characteristics into acceptable and useful forms onto Archie as he could not be assed to do it himself.
Archie, who was a little too like Nicolas, created Nicolai-The Professor first, so he could also delegate some of the workload, and thus began the trend of occupationally individualising the Nicolais.
Baal also taught the Nicolai how to merge in pairs, groups and as a whole, and how to separate. At first, it was a little messy. Archie would find himself with an extra leg, whilst Demus would be hopping around complaining about balance issues.
The conjoined twins, Nicolai-Corporis and Nicolai-Partes arose when a separation failed rather extraordinarily badly and some kind of mitotic division occurred. Baal suspected that Nicolas and his newest Nicolai at the time, the scientist Webster, had injected Corporis and Partes with some kind of genetic concoction, but he could not prove this, and Primus would not hear a word against his favourite son, or sons, depending on how you look at it.
After a few centuries it did become apparent that the Nicolai needed their own space. When Nicolas lost his temper, which happened the minute he did not get his own way, whether over food service, minion apathy or Primus suggesting he wash once in a while, it rained throughout Irkalla.
Sometimes it rained water, sometimes acid, sometimes sulphur. There were other issues too. The first involved the strange disappearances of minions. The second, the deflowering of virgins in Mortraxis. The third, the constant stream of complaints of sexual harassment to Irkallan resources, and fourth and finally, The Nicolai smothering everyone with their loud and obnoxious presence.
The smothering consisted of all Nicolai following the ladies of the Annubium constantly, all Nicolai blocking doorways intentionally, and all Nicolai collecting armadillos and letting them loose in Irkalla en masse claiming that ‘the aardvarks were invading again.’
This brings us to Primus’s second mistake. Primus did not trust Nicolas and his Nicolai to go roaming about The Deep unmanaged, so he made a recommendation. The recommendation was to install Nicolas in one of the Ziggurats in the northern desert of Neferaten on the opposite side of the Elin River to the village of Tiye, next to a crafty djinn, and this proved to be the second huge mistake.
Lilith was not happy that Nicolas was blatantly roaming around The Deep as his existence showcased Primus’s infidelity and made Lilith look stupider than Theaten.
It occurred to Primus that Theaten, under Lilith’s influence, may attempt to steal Poor Nicolas’s blood, so he had Baal pass a law that no Immortalis could feed from another without permission.
As the law was being passed, Nicolas and the Nicolai were moving into the ziggurat next to the djinn Ibliss. Ibliss was an old friend of Primus and was a genie from another dimension known as The Chronocell.
The Chronocell was accessed via Irkalla and was a land of lush greenery and fine coasts. Time, in The Chronocell, moved quite differently to time in The Deep. Twenty-one years in that dimension equated to around about three days in The Deep. Ibliss did not like The Chronocell and preferred the quiet solitude of his ziggurat. He kept his bedroom in a small silver amulet hanging on a chain within his primary chamber and popped out doing the whole mystical charade genie act for visitors when needed.
Outside of djinning, Ibliss was just a private old man who liked to mind his own business and write romance novels under the penname Carmilla Fanu.
Ibliss, as romantic as he was, was also easily bored, and on the odd occasion would twist the wishes of his visitors for his own amusement. During the seventh moon of the last year of the third century A.V., Ibliss suffered an influx of milkmaids from Lethecrown, a rural village that sat in The Kingdom of Tepes, bordering what would become The Kingdom of D’Aten.
Every milkmaid complained about the same thing; not enough milk was being produced. The queue was endless, and he decided to hear them all out before resolving the issue. After several hours of whining and complaining, Ibliss sent the milkmaids back to Lethecrown assuring them that their wish would be granted, and milk would flow in abundance.
Two weeks later Lord Buxom of Lethecrown wrote to Primus to complain about a sudden outbreak in milkmaid lactation that was so aggressive in its path that every milkmaid was struck down with chronic and toxic mastitis. Primus sent the complaint to Baal who forwarded the complaint to Ibliss. Unfortunately, Ibliss did not accept requests by posts and the letter was ultimately returned to Lord Buxom with a handwritten note on the envelope that read ‘not my milkmaids, not my circus.’
Occasionally the wishes backfired on Ibliss. During the very hot spring of 222 A.V. a servant of Lilith’s, Marianna Mooseknuckle, arrived at the ziggurat raising a rather complex concern. She complained that she was overweight on account of women being unable to take part in the game of football and wished for this to be resolved. Ibliss clicked his fingers and her head fell off. Her weight dropped instantly.
However, Ibliss was obliged to play football by himself in the desert with the quite pretty head for three weeks. At the latter end the head had lost its good looks and was producing a rather disagreeable odour, so disagreeable that the neighbours at the time, two baers known as Banshee Baer and BaerNedi moved out and founded their own two man, or rather one man and one woman, camp, on the outskirts of The Varjoleto forest. Kane was already in residence at the time as Lilith found his manners a little embarrassing and not suitable company for his Vero the regal Theaten, but Nicolas requested that Kane leave the baers in peace. Kane did not question the request, but he did honour it.
So, the tomfoolery of Ibliss brings us to Nicolas. Primus hoped, rather foolishly, that Ibliss would be a mentor to The Nicolai, and watch over his son. Primus was, of course, sorely mistaken.
Nicolas, being a naturally curious monster, decided to spend his time roaming around Neferaten and bothering Lilith in various disguises. First, he attended the palace as the Fortune-Teller Jerome and predicted that Theaten would change his name to Robert. Then he sought an audience pretending to be an alchemist and sold Lilith ‘The Great Oil of Beauty,’ a potion that would make the consumer desirable to all. He called it ‘FluxusVentris.’
Fluxus Ventris, Nicolas explained, must be taken three times a day and each dose must be no less than three-hundred millilitres. What Nicolas forgot to mention was that the Fluxus Ventris’s only ingredient was perfumed castor oil. Two days later Lilith suffered a humiliating and unforeseen incident during a tribute sacrificial ritual. She was furious, but it made Theaten’s day, and when Primus told him the alchemist was Nicolas, Theaten secretly started visiting his brother weekly behind Lilith’s back. The tormenting of Lilith continued for just under a further three decades, during which time Lilith sought advice from many healers for assistance with her ongoing bowel concerns.
During one of his later escapades at the palace, in 22 A.V. Nicolas noticed the lovely Kyrie and found her quite enchanting. It took Theaten several attempts to explain to Nicolas why Kyrie was not interested in men, and after the construction of a few stick-women diagrams, Theaten, who was a god not an artist, got the message across.
Nicolas decided that Kyrie was mistaken in her choices, and that he would still like a turn. So, who do you think he turned to? Exactly, Ibliss!
It just so happened that at the time there were one or two other love triangles in motion that were bothering Ibliss and he saw opportunity without really thinking any of the consequences through. You see, Ibliss had a moonly visitor. The last mariposa, Feilecann.
The mariposa were a stunning race of flying vampires born from a vampire’s bizarre liaison with a giant butterfly. Some people considered this wrong, others impossible, but it happened. The race suffered a few setbacks and as a result was small and set up a tiny camp in the barren canyon of Ard Quahila.
Word went around that some Irkallan demonic force coveted the land of Ard Quahila, and in 50 A.V., at the same time as The Nicolai took residence in the ziggurat, a tragedy befell the mariposa.
The tragedy came in the form of a descent of carnivorous woodpeckers. The ravenous birds munched through the mariposa coffins and then through the mariposa themselves. Fortunately, for Feilecann, she was on a gap year serving the grand Ducissa Elena at Corax Palace at the time, and, as such was the only surviving mariposa.
Feilecann remained with Elena another twenty eight years, until the Nicolas debacle. She first visited Ibliss with her patron as her patron, Elena, wanted to wish for an overhaul of Corax. Ibliss assured Elena that the overhaul would come in time, and it did, in the form of Nicolas’s vision, Corax Asylum.
Ibliss fell in love with Feilecann at first sight and promised that the refurbishment of Corax would come within fifty years providing Feilecann could be released into his protection once a moon, for three nights. This arrangement would give him a little company, someone to play Ducissas and Demons with, and, once he wore Feilecann down, a bit of feisty sex.
The sex was feisty largely due to Feilecann’s resistance. You see Feilecann was also involved with the higher vampire Roger, later known as Count Tepes, and she fancied herself in love. Her resistance to Ibliss eventually melted away after many wrestling bouts, and Feilecann took to relishing the idea of being desired by two men. Ibliss, however, was not so keen on the whole love triangle thing.
Roger also had an issue. Roger was quite bored with Feilecann and visited Ibliss the same week as Nicolas visited him. Roger was quite in the dark about Ibliss and Feilecann’s affair. He attended Ibliss’s ziggurat complaining that he wanted Feilecann to love someone else so that he could woo Lilith’s handmaiden, Mildred, or Milly as she was known.
Milly was a spritely blonde lady who had a penchant for mismatched pink and black fluffy clothes and wore a rather large pair of spectacles to stop her from tripping over. Roger expressed an interest in turning Milly into a vampire and whisking her away to The Varjoleto Forest.
As confusing as the love triangles had become, things were about to get worse.
Lilith had been a little ancy after the release of Nicolas into The Deep, she had no idea about the Nicolai but was quite fed up with Nicolas inconveniencing her bowels. In response she had hired a militia led by a general known as Odane who ruled a pack of howling dog soldiers.
The dog soldiers walked as thesapiens, but were clearly dog-like in appearance, with pointy ears, long snouts, and turquoise uniforms. Dogs love nothing better than a turquoise uniform. Odane was appointed Lilith’s personal guard, priest, and dark magician. Lilith placed her trust in him but found him in one of her temples banging the ass off of Mildred. Lilith said nothing and simply slid away.
After a few hours, Odane’s liaison played on her mind as love for one being could not sit comfortably with loyalty to another. In her paranoid state she rode north to the ziggurats with Owuo and Kufia where she expressed her disgust at this coupling, and begged Ibliss to ensure no such breech of loyalty ever occurred again. That evening Odane’s cock and balls left his body and moved to Togaduine.
The next day, when Odane met up with Milly, he found himself quite lacking and unable to perform. Milly, hurt by his failure, immediately travelled north to bother Ibliss, like he had not had enough drama that week.
Ibliss put two and two together and quickly dispatched a raven to Roger, who was staying at the Sunken Inn in Tiye. It was called the Sunken Inn on account of it being partially sunken in the sands. Roger was introduced to Milly, and their coupling commenced there and then in front of Ibliss, who watched whilst eating a bag of kidney beans, made from real kidneys.
The messy, noisy, and highly unattractive horizontal dance culminated in a splatter on the floor followed by a loud set of slurps as Roger and Milly traded blood. Ibliss just wanted the couple to leave, so he provided them with a llama, and they travelled east to The Varjoleto Forest.
Then Nicolas arrived.
Nicolas rubbed the amulet and an exhausted djinn swathed in purple with a well-oiled black beard and hair popped out in an elaborate puff of smoke,
‘What is your wish Nicolai?’ He boomed.
Nicolas had not thought his wish through, as such it came out a little garbled,
‘I wish for those who are not in love to attach their desire to those who want them,’
Ibliss saw an opportunity, especially with Roger having already been taken off the board with regards to Feilecann. The wish was granted, again, with little thought as to the consequences.
At the time the wish was granted, Feilecann happened to be dropping some liver pate custard off to Lilith, a gift from The Ducissa Elena. Lilith was unavailable on account of a travelling salesman who had provided her with highly concentrated prune cider.
Theaten attended on Feilecann instead, and the two quickly found themselves in Theaten’s bed.
The following morning, Kyrie arrived at Nicolas’s ziggurat. The Nicolai all wore fake moustaches to disguise their connection to Nicolas and acted as servants. Lazy, disinterested servants who lay around all day eating Nicolas’s tributes and playing cards, but servants nonetheless.
Kyrie did not introduce herself, in fact she hardly spoke at all, she simply took Nicolas to bed and Nicolas had no objections.
Both Nicolas and Theaten found themselves stuck in their chambers being rode like grand national winners for two weeks. Ibliss had no such luck, it was just him and his hand for company.
As the weeks wore on, Nicolas found himself increasingly bored with Kyrie, who wanted his constant and relentless attention. She developed a range of unpleasant habits including staring lovingly at Nicolas all day, crying when he left the ziggurat, accusing him of cheating which he was, shouting when he engaged his tributes and clinging to his leg like a horny chihuahua.
The obsession was so irritating that Nicolas took the unusual step of writing to Lilith and confessing what he had done. Lilith was beside herself worrying about her lover and agreed to a sort of a truce. She approached Ibliss in person and asked him to undo Nicolas’s wish. The wish was granted. Feilecann leapt out of Theaten’s bed, confusing the poor Immortalis who was mentally preparing to marry her, and Kyrie took one look at Nicolas and belted out of the door straight into Lilith’s waiting arms.
Theaten decided there and then that he would endeavour to form a long term relationship with the next tribute provided and be happy. The next tribute, a nubile blonde named Calista was unfortunate enough to fall prey to this tragic idea. Calista was then forced to pretend to love Theaten back for centuries as she did not particularly like being whipped to within an inch of her life.
Lilith did not approve of Calista due to the cataclysmic gap in their stations, and the fact that the love was one-sided. However, she tolerated it as it discouraged Theaten from kidnapping noble women and lashing them to get his kicks. Lilith had chided him on several occasions, and though Theaten claimed some of them enjoyed it, Lilith simply replied,
‘I don’t care. Don’t do it!’
As Lilith was reorientating Kyrie, and mentally dealing with her son’s choices, another issue came to light. Kyrie, it seemed, was in a delicate condition, and Nicolas was the father.
Lilith and Kyrie did not see this as a concern, they saw this as a path for revenge, and Nicolas was kept in the dark about the matter.
As the wreckage of Ibliss’s wishes calmed, Feilecann wandered the beaches of Shaenaten. There she came across a man nailing a young woman to a palm tree. She did not flinch, nor run, she simply watched, until she caught the rugged man’s eye. Her heart fluttered. The man studied her wings, smiled, and introduced himself as Dyerbolique.